Your Love

I am told that you are so Patient, and how I wish that I was too... 

For the old me I grieve still, when I am reminded the things I lived through.

Without you, I am hopeless, helpless, and a mess.

Look at me- how I am broken down, resentful, useless...

Take the razor from my wrists, the tears from my cheek...

Blind me with Your Love,

With your Discipline I seek the Real Me.

I know that Your heart breaks when I am afflicted by these harsh people, their mean words....

Lashing me with unkindness, breaking me down, trying so badly to get me to leave you Lord....

For they remind me that I am not worthy, they tell me that I am not any good...

that I am not pretty, that I don't always respond as I should.I am so sorry, that I almost let go...

I almost gave in... surrendered my treasures Oh My Lord.

Please, can you forgive me, for not Standing as I have learned to, through you?

Please, can you take the Lead, just LOVE ME because I am an image of the Greatest, Miraculous Truth.

Dear Lord, I thank you, for these Mountains, Deserts, and Trails... 

And Lord I thank you for Your Love Never Fails.

WORDS I HAVE LONGED TO HEAR

To be honest, I am not sure how to say this to you now

But I want you to know there is something I can't quite figure out.

I have waited a while, just to make sure... 

And 12 years seems long enough to try to walk the wrong roads... 

When there is something just irking me about the one road I chose. 

See My heart knew the moment that your eyes had caught mine... 

And though sadness had lingered in parts of my eye... 

There was a way with your smile. See You know that with rain, a rainbow will conclude... 

And in the same way with life, through pain, beautiful love it grows through... 

We are but like ropes, each of us a string... 

Creating great strength, trust, and joy we all bring.

 Don't listen to those thoughts they put into your mind. 

See I have loved you quietly, and deeply for such a long time. 

What is beauty without all the jazz? 

A smile that creates warmth to strangers, and friends... 

Don't you know that our Creator, He had such humor in this plan?!

I see you as you are, the beauty He laid upon my heart... 

So when the world is polluting your ears with hatred, and pain inside your soul... 

Remember You are HIS BEAUTY, His Creation, His Love... 

And for so very long, you have always been growing and becoming the perfect half for my path!

Apparent Anger

"As I Sit here, motionless, waiting for some reasoning... There has to be a reason, I know it must be hiding from the apparent...As I slowly try to rationalize, just what this all means...To her, to me, to you.... I see that everything happens, and yet things keep getting worse, until I can't breathe.I can't find air, I can't find land, I can't keep my head from feeling full of confusion, thoughts of why would someone treat something so beautiful in a way so distasteful, so unconcerned with the loyalty I had for what things stood for?I cared for you as a friend, never as a lover... I cared for you as a person, as a respect to you, I stayed... I tried... again and again.They said to go, they said to leave this false relationship, have something real, anything real, even if I was alone... (And believe me I can fly solo in this world...)But I wanted to make things work.Simply Put- I fight for things, beliefs, and ideas... until the fighting has grown to this point, of destruction.The rain doesn't come fast enough for my eyes to hide my tears of anger.Why couldn't I make this work?Why couldn't I fake happy with her "Dad" until maybe he grew up?Why couldn't I MAKE IT WORK?Simply put- it was not a job for just I.If you were a motherboard, your nano chip would be missing, never to be bought again.See, I tried to be your friend, and I was your friend, and I did everything I could for you.One day, I will have to explain to her, this little blue eyed, stressed out child... I will have to explain to her why I couldn't keep crying tears of fury...I couldn't keep lying to her and everyone who doesn't "KNOW ME"... I have to take a stand and stop enabling you to run over me, my heart, and my world. As a friend, I have to call an intervention... I have to throw my towel in, and let you know that I CANNOT FIX THIS. WHY? Because, there was never a "THIS", there was just that night, and forever I will see some of you in her face, her eyes, and her smile. The smile you never have anymore. The smile that you try to force when in front of people that you want to put a show on for, to make believe that you are here... that you are really trying, that you CARE. You tell me everyday how worthless I am, how unattractive, how unloveable I am... How miserable I make you, because I took you from your life of hoarding, messy and disgusting, but that was what you had grown to enjoy.... TO BE. This was who you were.It was so wrong of me to even allow myself to be strained for so long, that I have started fading away, unless you are completely gone, and then I come back to this world, a bird with a song to sing. I tried to be your friend, her mother, your wife. I tried.But to be your wife would mean to be your partner, not your mother.To be your wife would mean to be your friend, your lover, and your joy.I can't keep living a life of misery in a home with her eyes upon my every moment... knowing that you have no heart, no desire for happiness, and no concern for either of our well beings, especially even your own.I am so full of love, such a strong heart with kindness which you have bent into rage... And I am so full of rationalizations...for other people, why they are the way they are, and how I can just accept and adapt around them. But I am suffocating. I can't breathe. I can't keep laying here in my chair, stunned into pain... wishing to be held, by someone that knows my heart, my soul, and my joy. These are things that I must learn to stop feeling are my responsibility, and my fault. I am not your crutch anymore. I am not your punching bag. I am not your mother, your fix it girl. I am no longer your friend, your foe, or your anything.And for so long, I have not been. Let's just be honest, put it out there... I have a zeal for love and life, and humor and happiness... And you, simply put, YOU DON'T.I love my Liza baby... and she deserves the truth, and the peace that comes with knowing that we tried.But I can't keep being pushed aside and discounted for every time I have tried to "marriage" counsel our relationship.Your issue is a personal one, and I am not here to blame, but I am not here to keep putting on the blame as though I could have ever fixed it. When I give and give... finally there is nothing here for me to give you anymore. But there is a GOOD BYE. " -Original work Written By Kai Peek April 27, 2012

But What Of Beauty

I AM UGLY, DON'T I KNOW THAT BY NOW?

I AM UNWORTHY OF ALL YOU HAVE GIVEN TO ME.

I NEED TO SHUT MY MOUTH, AND NOT SPEAK TO YOU, AS I NEVER HAVE ANYTHING

GOOD TO SAY.

I LOOK TERRIBLE WHEN I GO TO THE GYM, AND I LOOK LIKE A MAN WHEN I AM

BECOMING STRONG AND TONED...

DON'T I KNOW HOW TO GET IT UP FOR YOU? CAN'T I AT LEAST DO THAT RIGHT?

ALL THAT I AM HERE FOR IS TO ASK YOUR PERMISSION... TO BREATHE...

YES I FINALLY SAID IT... TO BREATHE. 

I HAVE NO CHANCE AT EVER FINDING ANYONE TO WASTE THEIR TIME CARING FOR ME...AS CARING ABOUT ME, WORRYING FOR ME, AND JUST STANDING BESIDE ME IS

SIMPLY NOT WORTH ANYTHING...

CAN I NOT GET THE HINT, DO I NOT UNDERSTAND, I AM A POSSESSION, AND SIMPLY

THAT...

SOMETHING YOU TOOK FROM AN ALLEY AND BROUGHT INSIDE, BUT EVEN A KITTEN

HAS MORE RIGHTS... 

I WAS NOTHING BEFORE I MET YOU, AND NOT A PERSON IN THIS WORLD WANTED TO

HOLD ME...

I WAS NOBODY IMPORTANT, AND WHO WANTS SOMEONE THIS UGLY?

I AM CURVY IN THE WRONG PLACES, AND WHO CAN STAND TO LOOK AT THIS FACE?

MY LIPS ARE TOO BIG AND FULL FOR YOUR GRACE.

DON'T I SEE HOW YOU DESPISE ME, REJECT ME, AND SUCH?

THE PROBLEM WITH EVERYTHING I HAVE SAID SO FAR IS JUST ----

I KNOW OF A GIRL, SHE HAS THE HEART OF A SERVANT, EVER JOYOUS AND FULL OF

LOVE... 

I KNOW OF A GIRL THAT MIGHT BE CURVY, BUT REFLECTS HER LORD UP ABOVE... 

I KNOW THAT WHEN I AM ALONE, WITHOUT YOU AROUND... 

GUYS DON'T SEEM TO VOMIT UPON SEEING ME, AND THEIR PANTS SEEM TO ALWAYS

TRY TO FALL DOWN...

MAYBE THAT IS WHAT THE UGLINESS DOES TO A MAN?

CAUSE HIM TO BE UNCOMFORTABLE, AND TRY TO MAKE ME LAUGH?

WHY WOULD THEY WANT TO TALK TO ME SO OFTEN IF I AM UNWORTHY OF VOICE?

AND HOW IS IT THAT WHEN MY JOB IS GREAT, SCHOOL IS REFRESHING, AND GOALS

ARE BEING WORKED TOWARD... THEN IT IS NOT YOUR CHOICE... 

TO SEE THAT I AM "TOOK CARE OF", THAT I CAN BE STRANDED IN THE RAIN... 

NO HELPING HANDS ARE EVER OFFERED FROM YOU, STILL I GIVE YOU HELP ALL THE

SAME... 

THIS MAKES ME SMILE, KNOWING ALL THESE TIMES PAST I HAVE RISEN ABOVE...

AND TO THINK THAT THERE ARE OTHERS WHO HAD A CHANCE BEFORE AT MY LOVE... 

THE TOUCH THAT I CAN GIVE THEM, THEY NEVER GET THOSE CHANCES ONCE MORE... 

TO GO BACK IN TIME AND SLAP THEMSELVES TRYING TO FIND... 

SOME WOMAN WHO IS REAL, IN THEIR FACE, MAKING THEM FEEL PLEASURE,

LAUGHTER AND JOY.

I CAN'T STAND ANY DRAMA, STRESS, AND CONTROL.... 

I DESPISE WHAT I HAVE BECOME TO BE YOUR TYPE OF BEAUTIFUL.

"But What Of Beauty" Written By Kai Peek (AKA SHAE D AMORE ;) )

(written April 28, 2012)