Apparent Anger

"As I Sit here, motionless, waiting for some reasoning... There has to be a reason, I know it must be hiding from the apparent...As I slowly try to rationalize, just what this all means...To her, to me, to you.... I see that everything happens, and yet things keep getting worse, until I can't breathe.I can't find air, I can't find land, I can't keep my head from feeling full of confusion, thoughts of why would someone treat something so beautiful in a way so distasteful, so unconcerned with the loyalty I had for what things stood for?I cared for you as a friend, never as a lover... I cared for you as a person, as a respect to you, I stayed... I tried... again and again.They said to go, they said to leave this false relationship, have something real, anything real, even if I was alone... (And believe me I can fly solo in this world...)But I wanted to make things work.Simply Put- I fight for things, beliefs, and ideas... until the fighting has grown to this point, of destruction.The rain doesn't come fast enough for my eyes to hide my tears of anger.Why couldn't I make this work?Why couldn't I fake happy with her "Dad" until maybe he grew up?Why couldn't I MAKE IT WORK?Simply put- it was not a job for just I.If you were a motherboard, your nano chip would be missing, never to be bought again.See, I tried to be your friend, and I was your friend, and I did everything I could for you.One day, I will have to explain to her, this little blue eyed, stressed out child... I will have to explain to her why I couldn't keep crying tears of fury...I couldn't keep lying to her and everyone who doesn't "KNOW ME"... I have to take a stand and stop enabling you to run over me, my heart, and my world. As a friend, I have to call an intervention... I have to throw my towel in, and let you know that I CANNOT FIX THIS. WHY? Because, there was never a "THIS", there was just that night, and forever I will see some of you in her face, her eyes, and her smile. The smile you never have anymore. The smile that you try to force when in front of people that you want to put a show on for, to make believe that you are here... that you are really trying, that you CARE. You tell me everyday how worthless I am, how unattractive, how unloveable I am... How miserable I make you, because I took you from your life of hoarding, messy and disgusting, but that was what you had grown to enjoy.... TO BE. This was who you were.It was so wrong of me to even allow myself to be strained for so long, that I have started fading away, unless you are completely gone, and then I come back to this world, a bird with a song to sing. I tried to be your friend, her mother, your wife. I tried.But to be your wife would mean to be your partner, not your mother.To be your wife would mean to be your friend, your lover, and your joy.I can't keep living a life of misery in a home with her eyes upon my every moment... knowing that you have no heart, no desire for happiness, and no concern for either of our well beings, especially even your own.I am so full of love, such a strong heart with kindness which you have bent into rage... And I am so full of rationalizations...for other people, why they are the way they are, and how I can just accept and adapt around them. But I am suffocating. I can't breathe. I can't keep laying here in my chair, stunned into pain... wishing to be held, by someone that knows my heart, my soul, and my joy. These are things that I must learn to stop feeling are my responsibility, and my fault. I am not your crutch anymore. I am not your punching bag. I am not your mother, your fix it girl. I am no longer your friend, your foe, or your anything.And for so long, I have not been. Let's just be honest, put it out there... I have a zeal for love and life, and humor and happiness... And you, simply put, YOU DON'T.I love my Liza baby... and she deserves the truth, and the peace that comes with knowing that we tried.But I can't keep being pushed aside and discounted for every time I have tried to "marriage" counsel our relationship.Your issue is a personal one, and I am not here to blame, but I am not here to keep putting on the blame as though I could have ever fixed it. When I give and give... finally there is nothing here for me to give you anymore. But there is a GOOD BYE. " -Original work Written By Kai Peek April 27, 2012